As I am writing this, I am reflecting on my past few months of dating starting before the summer break and now well into the winter. Because of my work life with long hours, clocking in my 6 hours of French course per week after work as well as trying to maintain a healthy lifestyle with gym at least three times per week, it is admittedly hard to find the time or energy to show up at every after work event and house party and socialise.
Therefore, I take comfort in using dating apps, which help me to meet men on my own terms. I personally don’t like to text too much before the first date because I prefer to talk to people in person once there is a connection.
On the date itself, I usually can tell pretty fast whether I like someone or not or whether he’s only in for the casual encounter. (Note: having been single for more than 4 years, I personally decided to explore the relationship department; for anyone else reading this who likes their casual(ities), kudos! Go for it, girl!) However, sometimes, even my experienced judgement can be off (SHOCKING, right?) and I get into the situation where I get carried away. He would know exactly which buttons to push to keep me interested for weeks and then he would decide to drop the “I’m emotionally unavailable” or “I just not that interested”, or “I’m not actually looking for something serious” bomb.
It usually goes like this: We meet either for drinks after work, or coffee on the weekend. We keep on texting afterwards, we might even schedule another date, maybe another drink or dinner or a walk through the park. While I don’t like to juggle multiple guys at the same time – also because I did it once and mixed up the names and professions of the guys (it was soo awkward), I enjoy keeping the conversation flowing and after a while I get attached, especially because I don’t have the casual mindset anymore.
But then, when do you bring up the question of all questions – do you want to date exclusively? or did you delete your dating account? and why is it so hard to express my concerns and thoughts when it comes to that. I was brought up to be a very independent and empowered women, so theoretically I just have to open my mouth and tell him how it is. But because we only met on a dating app and there’s the 50/50 chance of him dropping the bomb, I stay put and wait and see, knowing that I will become even more attached and consequently more anxious that this will not work out, again.
So every time it doesn’t work out, which has been a bit too often recently, there’s me sitting at home contemplating whether this was just an unlucky case of online dating or whether there’s something wrong with me. I delete the app and then I re-install it 2 weeks later, longing for the conversations and maybe even getting some affirmation that yes, maybe I actually am a loveable person.